Dear Exalted One,

How does that sound? Think you could get used to it? Well, we hope you are sitting down in your best leather club chair, sipping some rare 18 year old Yamakakaka Coffee Whiskey, because we here at International House of Banking have exciting news for you. Your impeccable credit score, buying habits, and frequent flyer mileage balance immediately qualifies you for an instant upgrade to Triple Diamond Premium Platinum Elite Titanium Status. This newest offering from IHB replaces the previous Triple Deluxe Elite Platinum Five Diamond Excellence Card, so you may cut that card in half.  Oh snap, you can’t — it’s constructed of a patented blend of carbon fiber, Kevlar and Tyvek, just like this offering card, which is why you sprained your wrist trying to tear this unbelievable offer in half before you even opened it.

But you aren’t sorry now, are you? Not only have we kept all the awesome features of the old card you loved, like Elite Supreme Shove-Off Me-First Priority Boarding Status, and our guaranteed No Questions Asked DUI “get out of jail free” toll free hotline, but we have upgraded those programs to include yet more miles when you book a flight, along with only people you approve of on the plane with you, even in economy class. That’s right. Just show up at east 20 minutes prior to boarding, and our Travel Ambassador will meet you and escort you to a discreet security lounge where, via hidden cameras, you can select and eliminate any other passengers you deem to be upsetting, risky, smelly, or, you know. You know. You know, right? Don’t make us say it. Look — we all know what those TSA jobs pay and you can plainly see they aren’t paying any attention after the first hour on the job. A suitcase full of hand grenades could pass by under their nose and they wouldn’t notice. In fact, this new card allows you to carry hand grenades in your carry on luggage! Hand grenades, up to five handguns, and two assault rifles. All through a special partnership with the NRA — your new card also doubles as a concealed carry permit. Background check? You’ve already passed! You’re a white man!*

Also —  our get out jail free hotline now includes manslaughter as well, brought to you by a special arrangement with Alan Dershowitz (this offer is only available in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Texas).

But this is only the beginning, James. There is more, so much more! Frankly, we think that when you see the astonishing list of perks available to you through this special offering, you will see why America’s Mayor, Rudolph Guliani himself, said, “This card is so great, I’d gladly bill one of my clients double the $10,000 annual fee!”

Here is just a sample of the many new feature you will enjoy:

• Free parking in anyone’s driveway, in any neighborhood, at anytime of the day or night, anywhere in the world! And we define parking loosely. You can just sort of angle in, or block in an existing car, even if a mother is running late to school with her kids. Why? Because hello? Uber?
• Line cutting access privileges. Any line, any time: Zabar’s, Duane Reed,  The Mount Sinai Emergency Room, the bathroom at Whole Foods: just wave your card and move to the front!
• 20% discounts on Big Game Safari hunting in specially protected reserves normally off limits to most outsiders. Giraffes, Lions, Elephants — there won’t be many more of these for long, and you’ll want some trophies to hand down to your grandchildren as part of your estate.
• Your own private lane on all major interstates. Technically called “The Shoulder” — it is now yours exclusively to drive on! With no speed limit. The grassy part is also yours as well ( we recommend an SUV with high ground clearance).
• Free sex with High School Cheerleaders! Actually — just kidding. Wanted to see if you were paying attention. Christ. What the hell were you thinking?

Okay — the list could go on and on but we want to save on trees. Or maybe we don’t. Activate your card today!

*Just in case our algorithm goofed and you are not a White Man, please complete and return the enclosed background check.

© 2018 James Brunel